Pharaonic Therapies
by essence of light
Summary: Cowritten by Sheikgodess. A series of selfhelp classes for the yugioh characters. Warning: minor humourous character bashing. We love them too so they get revenge.
1. Chapter 1

**Pharaonic Therapies – The Introduction and First Class**

Written by Essence of Light and Sheikgoddess

Disclaimer: If we owned Yu-Gi-Oh! There would be real couples and our characters would be in it. So we obviously don't own it.

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Please read the following:

HI! Were your hosts Essence of Light and Sheikgoddess. Why are we here you ask? Well we thought it was about time that all the yu-gi-oh! Characters got a reality check. Most classes will be administered by Yugi, but we will get a few from Kaiba and other random characters. Oh, and characters from our stories will appear randomly, either participating or teaching but more on that later. Suggestions are welcome, but we have fifty or so classes lined up already, so make sure they're creative because were not.

Note: if we already had the idea, you won't be credited for it. Flamers are welcome, they are funny but if your gonna be nasty at least be creative about it. (We already expect some but they count as reviews so it makes us look good anyway )

Without further procrastination we give you the first chapter and class:

**How To Remove The Stick From Your Ass Without Causing Internal Damage**

Teaching courtesy of Tea for Seto Kaiba

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Tea walks into a small room, which consisted of a small desk, a whiteboard and two chairs. Sitting in one of the chairs was Seto Kaiba, currently looking very pissed off. Tea sat down in the chair across from him.

"Morning Kaiba!"

He grunted.

"Now, I've noticed along the way, that you Kaiba must have something seriously big stuck up your ass to cause the serious social issues you have. After reading through information gathered by previous tournaments, I have concluded that it is a stick up your ass, shoved up quite far to be frank. Now, stay seated and shut up while I tell you how to remove it without causing internal damage.

Kaiba was totally shocked that such confidential information had been released.

'_Note to self: Keep Mokuba out of the alcohol cabinet.'_

Kaiba stood up. "How can you say that? It's not true!"

"Sit down Kaiba or I will shove that stick so far up your ass it will come out your nose."

Kaiba sat down and winced.

"You're obviously suffering from some constipation so lets get started."

Tea stood up and walked over to the whiteboard, placing a series of charts on it. Some were diagrams of the human body, other pictures of people hugging.

"Now listen carefully:

1. Compassion is not a weakness. If it were why does Yugi win all the time?

2. Burying the past would be burying Mokuba, what the hells with that?

3. Just because you're a genius doesn't mean people think highly of you. They actually think it's quite funny you're a social outcast. Try to talk without sounding like you ate a thesaurus for breakfast.

4. Firing people should not be considered a hobby OR a pastime. All it does is make you more of an asshole.

5. Calling people names is really childish and not made for a CEO. Act your age not your IQ level, it's not as high as what you thought it was after exposure to Joey."

Kaiba had had enough and said so.

"I don't see where this is heading. Your wasting my time I have a business to run." He got up and started to leave.

"Sit down and shut up or I'll let Mokie into the alcohol cabinet" Tea waved a set of keys with a BEWD key ring in front of Kaiba's face.

"I'll be good... Hey how did you get those?"

"That's for me to know and for you to never find out."

"Huh?"

Tea glared at him and he sat back down.

"And speaking of dragons.." she glanced at the keys "...6. Your obsession with the BEWD is unhealthy, get rid of it or keep the stick.

7. 50 of what Yugi says has some point behind it, so open your damn ears.

8. Expressing your feelings proves to the rest of the world that you are in fact human and not a cyborg from another planet.

9. Your conflicting opinions are confusing, so stick to one opinion.

10. Dogs are cute. They are "Mans Best Friend". In your opinion Joey is a dog, theoretically making him your best friend. Are you not male? I can give you time to think about this or refer to suggestion nine."

"I don't need time to think this through!"

"Yeah that's right, you're a child prodigy, a boy genius!"

"Don't patronise me!"

"I can, I will and I am when I'm your freaking self help teacher! So learn to live with it. This concludes today's self help class. The afore mentioned suggestions will help with the slow and hopefully painless removal of the said stick from your ass, which I have dubbed 'Kaiba pass **(1)**' I expect to see you back in a month."

Kaiba got up and silently left, fuming.

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Author's notes

(1) Kaiba pass is Torres Straight Islander for Asshole, we found it fitting.

EL: How was it? Don't shoot me, read my other story instead. (Dominion: Story of a legend)

SG: Ditto (The Ringmaster)

EL: Please review. Preview of next chapter –The Do's and Don'ts of making friends. Featuring Kaiba, Noah, Marik, and Bakura.

EL and SG: Chocolate cake rox!

SG: I'm jealous because EL got pudding last night.


	2. Cards do not have hearts!

Chapter 2 –Cards are cardboard they don't have hearts.

Another pointless chapter from the world of Essence of Light and Sheikgoddess

Disclaimer: Don't own yugioh but the stick is ours! muahahahahaha.

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Kaiba and Yugi were in the middle of the match of a lifetime. This one match will decide (yet again) who would be world champion. It looked as though Kaiba would win. Yugi was (yet again) down to his last one hundred life points and Kaiba was still at a respectable 2700 and about to deliver the final blow after summoning his ultimate blue eyes white dragon. It is Yugi's turn. 

"You should surrender now Yugi, If you know what is good for you. In my next turn I will stop any monster you may draw by playing my swords of reveal…shit forget I said that Ahem I shall order my blue eyes ultimate dragon to wipe out the rest of your life points and I shall be the world champion again! Muahahahahahahaha!"

Thunder cracks, rain starts to fall, collective sweat drop.

"He must still be feeling the effects of his therapy session, the removal of sticks from arses can screw up the brain" Tea whispered to Joey who nodded in understanding.

"I won't surrender!" Shouted Yugi. "Not when I have the heart of the cards on my side"

Kaiba laughed "Heart of the cards, HA HA, HA What heart of the cards. Yugi honestly cards are made of cardboard – they DO NOT have hearts!"

"Really? But Grandpa always told me they did!" Yugi said, tears forming in his eyes.

"Oh grow up!"

After regularly getting his buttons pushed by Yugi, Kaiba decided to push a few buttons of his own.

Flipping up the face of his stylish BEWD watch, Kaiba pushed the big red button labelled 'only push in case of Yugimergency'. The battle thingy disappeared around them and Yugi found himself in an office that looked somewhat like a psychologist's office. Kaiba sat behind the oak desk and Yugi found himself sitting on a red cushioned lounge. Kaibab laced his fingers together over the desk.

"Now Yugi, you don't mind if I call you Yugi do you? Of course you don't. Now Yugi what seems to be the problem?"

Yugi looked confounded.

"Kaiba I don't understand, why am I here?"

Kaiba leaned forward. "Well Yugi you are here because you have a problem. This is a psychologist's office, now lay back and tell me about your childhood."

Yugi laid back obediently. Little did Kaiba realise that Yugi had been waiting several years to tell someone about his childhood. Of course he hadn't envisioned that that someone would be Kaiba.

"Well as you might have noticed I am very short. My shortness came as a side effect of the way I was born. You see, the doctors dropped me on my head and even then I had spiky hair so I bounced straight off my head and onto my feet and being young and fragile my spine was permanently compacted. I'm pretty sire that is also why I have big eyes."

"Oh, yes so interesting please continue. Actually can we just skip to the part where this heart of the cards crap all began, only as it's almost time for lunch and I'm sure you're really hungry so we'll drag this out for as long as we can."

"Actually we just ate."

"Well bugger, we did too. Rightyo then let's just get straight to the part of your life where you started to believe that cards have hearts."

"OK well that probably would have been around the age of seven. My grandpa bought me my first ever pack of Duel Monsters cards and told me to believe on the heart of the cards. Come to think of it I can't really remember why I started believing his bullshit."

"U-HA! Your childish crap began with Grandpa Motou! I knew it! Now we shall arrest him for messing up your head!"

"What!"

"I said we shall arrest your grandpa-"

"I know what you said but you can't just arrest someone for messing with someone's head! You do it all the time why aren't you in jail? HA!"

"That's a very good question. Probably because I'm insanely rich and can buy my way out of everything. Did I mention that I'm also a genius? And I haven't been messing with LITTLE KIDS heads just yours!...oh wait…maybe"

"What are you implying Kaiba?"

"Oh nothing, nothing at all. OK putting other factors aside, your Grandpa made you believe that the cards had heart – THEY DON'T OK! You're obviously going to need more therapy for being such a wimp. I'll be seeing you after I ring the cops and my own therapist."

"You have a therapist?"

"I DO NOT HAVE A THERAPIST!"

"IF YOU HAVE A THERAPIST YOU CAN'T GIVE OTHER PEOPLE THERAPY!"

"I CAN, I WILL AND I AM!"

Kaiba clapped his hands over his mouth with a horrified look on his face.

"Oh my god I sound just like HER!"

Kaiba ran screaming from the room.

"I wonder who HER is?"

'_Yugi what are you smirking at?'_

"Oh Yami where have you been?"

'_Ah…nowhere, now answer my question'_

"What question?"

'_Don't make me go all pharaoh on you'_

"OK, OK Kaiba just ran from the room after saying 'I can, I will and I am'"

'_Sounds like something Tea would say'_

"Yeah it does, somehow I don't think we're the only ones being subjected to therapy"

'_Seems like it, I bet she was going on about the stick up his ass'_

"Probably. Doesn't she realise that we super glued it in there after our first duel against him?"

'_Apparently not. I really don't think we're the only people with issues around here. I mean we have imagination issues but look at all the people we have met with friend issues. I think it's time we ran some therapy sessions of our own'_

Yugi smiled wickedly in reply.

**Author's notes **

SG: Now I know the last chapter was written nine months ago but you've gotten this far so keep going

Essence of Light: nods head There has been a change of plans – Making friends, the do's and don'ts is next chapter

SG: Which was kind of obvious from the start but anyway…oh to rustyspoons I'm sorry but my computer wouldn't let me load chapter 11 please don't shoot me.

EL: lol. Happy Valentine's Day everyone flowers for all.

SG: So EL how about we go shoot whoever started this crappy day…oh wait they'd be already dead.

EL: Completely agree. Loads gun looks like we're going time travelling. Ta ta. Please review.


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